It’s tricky isn’t it?
How much should we share with our children when we are stressed, anxious or upset?
We want to protect them from worry but there are things that they might need to know about, and dealing with bad news is, after all, a life skill. So for me, once again, it is all about balance.
Why hiding everything isn’t helpful
How you talk to them, and how much you say, will depend on their age, among other things. But hiding all bad things from them is not helpful.
First of all, if they are oblivious, they will have a bigger shock if and when the bad thing happens, or they find out about it elsewhere. Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, it might erode their trust in you, making them worry that there are more secret bad things to worry about and that are going to crash down around them.
How should I approach difficult discussions?
Honesty balanced with compassionate pragmatism would be my approach, I think, and positivity where possible, of course.
Be open but kind.
Breaking the news about a family job loss might allow for a more positive comment, “But I will be looking for a new one/ we will be ok”, having acknowledged that you’re feeling pretty rubbish right now.
Breaking bad news about health might be harder, “But we’ll all help each other through this whatever happens/ we are not alone” might be a gentle caveat after the initial shock.
Role modelling
It’s natural to want to protect the ones we love from the nasty side of life, but our teens will need to learn how to cope with life’s fateful turns, so the more we can do to prepare them gradually the better.
We should not hide our worry completely, they should see us cry occasionally, or rail at the unfairness of life, but they should probably not see us lose control, or lash out at others.
We are their role models at the end of the day, and the behaviour they see and absorb, is the behaviour they will recreate later in life.
Coping with being human
Living with lockdown may reduce us to tears, or we might be concerned about money, and these are reasonable worries to share with your teens, as part of a conversation about how everyone is finding it hard and asking how they are doing. Reassure them that it’s human and normal to shed tears when we are sad or anxious, but that we must try to keep going, and take it one day at a time. Talk to them about how they can look after themselves when they feel sad or worried and make it clear that ignoring bad things is not a helpful strategy (nor is drowning our sorrows in drink, drugs or cake- tricky as that might be to resist).
Teach them that it is ok to ask for help
Emphasise that asking for the support (and hugs if possible!) of others is good too. We should normalise asking for help and advice in life, and conversely support those who need it. Then if/ when they hit a wall they will know that it’s ok to ask for help, there is no shame in it, and that sadness is a part of life, but moving forwards is possible too.
Grief, loss and bereavement are similarly important to involve them with, gently and carefully, explaining what it is happening, and allowing space for emotion, and time for recovery.
Silence or a refusal to discuss traumatic events will not help them now nor in their later life, though it can feel easier to avoid such difficult conversations.
Learning to ride the waves
We are all dealing with a huge amount of stress at the moment and getting through it the best we can. Reflecting on how we can support our young adults to cope with the trials and losses of life, and helping them to learn how to ride the waves of distress, will perhaps be something positive to gain from an exceptional period of history.