The teenage years are such a wild ride of emotions and new experiences that maintaining motivation for the things that ‘matter’ can be an occasional (OK… frequent!) challenge for some. And what matters will be different for different people, of course.
As parents, carers and teachers we may find it helpful to move from thinking ‘How do I get them to do what I want them to do?’ to ‘How do I support them to do the things they need to do?’.
We want to be alongside them emotionally, and effective in our support, whilst avoiding as many eyerolls and meltdowns (theirs and ours!) as possible!
I understood the assignment!
To learn as much as I could about this topic (and to help me survive my own son’s GCSE year and beyond) I read David Yeager’s book ‘10 to 25- The Science of Motivating Young People’ so that you wouldn’t have to do that as well as everything else on your To Do list. It was a fairly dry read, but interesting with regards to the latest research on the adolescent brain and motivation.
Many of us will be aware of ‘Drive’ the bestseller by Daniel H. Pink, which brought ‘intrinsic’ and ‘extrinsic’ motivation to the masses, but this new book (published August 2025) is a much deeper, more academic and more focused look at young people and their drivers specifically. Which is right up my street!
Let’s start at the (very) beginning
Whenever we look at adolescent behaviour it helps to look at how we as humans evolved millennia ago, living in caves, and surviving on a day to day basis.
Most adolescent behaviour is fundamentally related to this need to survive, whether it is in becoming independent from parents, feeding themselves, bonding with others to form a new tribe (humans did not survive long if they were not part of a group in the earliest days), or changing sleep patterns.
Motivation is closely allied to the need to survive too. Let’s take a closer look.
Survival drives Motivation
Very recent studies have discovered that the ‘adolescent phase’ of brain development actually stretches from around the age of 9 to about the age of 32. This is much later than previously thought- we previously believed adolescence moved into adult phase at around the mid 20s.
Science also shows that at about the age of 10 the brain starts to crave feelings like pride, admiration, respect. These become key drivers for teenage behaviour. This is because being a valued member of the tribe meant you were more likely to survive.
And survival was everything.
So, humans evolved to do what they could to be valued by those around them.
Status and respect became CORE to survival.
From an emotional point of view this feeling of ‘prestige’, meaning they were valued for being competent, and had demonstrated their worth, felt AMAZING!
In other words, the lovely bits of the brain that light up to make us feel good (the ‘reward centres’) come alive when adolescents do things that bring them tribal ‘status’ and respect from others.
Self-respect follows on from this.
Learning how to be ‘socially successful’ and be appreciated by your peers (and family, but mainly peers) meant thriving and surviving millennia ago, and most importantly of all for us- it STILL DOES.
Therefore Status and Respect are the key drivers of adolescent motivation.
And it is important here to be clear here that status in this sense does not refer to fame/ money/ power and so on. No, this is about ‘tribal’ status, being valued by your peers. The drive to gain this approval is very powerful, and may lead to some poor choices in an attempt to have ‘adult’ status within the peer group.
It may explain why adolescents and young adults will choose ‘social survival’ over sensible choices if pushed (it’s called the ‘adolescent predicament’), potentially leading us to ask, ‘BUT WHY did you … smoke/ vape/ get drunk/ get into a fight…’ and so on.
The answer is likely that in their minds (deep, deep inside their minds) it would lead to social status, and therefore ‘survival’. The motivation can feel overwhelming.
So, if we understand what motivates them, how can we harness it for good?
Avoid implying that they don’t know what they are doing (even if they don’t know what they are doing)
I find it particularly helpful to hold in my mind that adolescents are super-sensitive to any criticism or implication that they are incompetent. This is because incompetence would have threatened survival and membership of the tribe. It is a deeply emotional trigger to sense our doubt in their abilities- leading to outbursts of “I’m not an IDIOT!!” and frustration all round.
Therefore I remind myself that teens need to feel safe and respected before they can listen to advice or feedback.
If they feel disrespected, dismissed, or shamed, their brain instantly switches to defense mode, leading to eyerolls, arguments, or total shutdown.
Ask, don’t tell
Having read the book, I have learnt that ‘asking not telling’ is a more effective way to communicate e.g. instead of "You need to study more” after a slightly disappointing exam grade I would now use questions such as "What's one thing you've tried when studying that hasn’t been effective? What are you going to try next?” or “I wouldn’t want to give you any advice until I’ve understood what you’ve tried so far”.
I would remind them that I am proud of their efforts, and keen to be supportive, but guided by them.
Try these! Turn the ‘tells’ into asks’
• E.g. from ‘Tidy your room please’ to ‘Please could you tidy your room as it would really help me out, thank you?’
• Practice your piano pieces
• Re-do a piece of homework/ writing
• Do a bit more revision
• Write your personal statement
• Empty the dishwasher/ do the washing up
Channel your ‘Junior Colleague Feedback’ Voice
I have pondered long and hard how best to speak in a tone that avoids implied criticism, or being patronising, and it is a fine line to tread, I can tell you!
I have landed on the tone that I would use to give a junior colleague feedback.
I assume that they are competent, that they understand what I am saying, and that my thoughts are welcomed as helpful and well meant, whilst politely given in a calm environment.
Try pondering how you would ask a junior colleague if they could empty the dishwasher. It’s fascinating how our tone shifts, and we might even feel calmer ourselves.
It has honestly helped me, so give it a go if you think it might be useful too!
Help them to build their social status
If we know that status and respect from peers (and others) is the great motivator then we can help them by encouraging activities that build on this, for example by helping others, or building their own self-respect. This is a generation that is mainly driven by ‘purpose not pay check’, so tapping into that is very motivating.
Help them to reflect on what kind of friend they want to be, what kind of partner, what kind of flatmate and so on. Weave it into scenarios such as tidying up (“it will make you a brilliant flatmate one day”), or revising a bit more (“you will be able to do so many things in the future, having worked so hard now- I’m proud of you for caring”).
By being respectful of them and demonstrating our belief in them we will build their own self-respect and support them to feel motivated.
In summary
If we understand what motivates the adolescent brain- Status and Respect from others- then we can support them to make better decisions and coach them to do the things they need to do, more effectively.
For me the key things to try to remember when having tricky conversations are;
• Assume the best
• Be respectful
• Support status-building
• Encourage opportunities to earn prestige/ feel proud
• Ask … don’t tell
• Develop their independence
I hope you find this helpful, and it may reduce some of the ‘I’m not an idiot!’ and eye rolling, allowing us all to avoid (some of!) those scenes in future…